Dear Melanie,
I have finally arrived home and I know you won't get this for a while, but I have the need to sit down and write the most beautiful letter ever. Though, I am realistic enough in my drunk state to know that it won't sound half as good tomorrow as it does right now in my head.
But, what the hell? I will give it a go.

I think I might actually stop crying sometime tonight. I hate to be such a baby about the whole thing, but really, I am a giant baby. I wish that I could have expressed all of the thoughts and feelings that you have inspired in me over the last few weeks. I know that you have definately touched and shaped my life in a way that I never expected, andyou could never have planned.

There are words and feelings that I have not thought or felt in a very long time that have welled up inside of me and sort of smoldered behind my eyes in the front of my brain. But, I could never really set them free, because my mouth seems immmobile half the time. The other half of the time, it seems that I can't fully comprehend or even begin to describe what I am feeling, so I just don't. It is a disability that seems much worse than paralysis of the limbs to me at times. And, so I hope that I can fully express my thoughts now.

For all the days and nights that we spent together, I am very thankful. And, also slightly angry that I didn't make better use of them. But, such is life. I had more fun and good times in the last month and a half than I have had in ages. Also, I have experienced more new emotions and lost feelings that I don't know how I went so long not feeling. And, this is the one way that you have affected me most greatly. I do believe that I stopped feeling. And, now, even though I hurt like a thousand needles are being forced through my flesh, I am thankful. "You have made me smile again. It's been a while. IN fact, I might be sore from it."

There were times when I wanted to tell you that I liked you or that I thought you were quite possibly the greatest person that I have met in years. ANd, other times when I just wanted to hold you or lay down by you, but I found myself incapable of extending my arms or my thoughts. I am so glad that you took the initiative.

As far as your initiative, you are by far the most generous person i have met. You seemed to give to me more than anybody has given in... well, I don't know how long. You see, you gave me a nice feeling, you helped me to be happy for a few weeks, and also, you just gave me a general feeling of being loved. And, Iliked that. A LOT. I know that I gave you grief for saying you loved me. And, it wasn't that I didn't want to say it back, or that I didn't want to hear it, because I did. It was just so hard for me to extend myself to say this. If we had been able to extend our time together, I would have been able to more fully explain why I am this way. It isn't becaus I am incapable of love. Because, Ilove people. Most of the time, they never know. Mostly, I am unable to tell them, for fear of rejection and loss. I wish I had been able to tell you this. Instead, I was being silly and dancing around it. A person never realizes how precious time is until it is gone. So, tonight, when I told you in a "round about" way, that I loved you. I meant that. And, I had been wanted to tell you for a couple of weeks, since the day in the car, but I couldn't. And, so I found the best way that I had tonight in our conversation. I wish that I had been more sober when I said that, because then you could believe it more. But, it is true.

I hated to leave you this morning, but I honestly felt that I could not sit there any longer. I know that I wouldn't have been able to tell you all of these things, becuase I know Amber would not have gone to bed until I left. And, that is understandable. If you were my girlfriend, I would be the same way. And, my feelings were getting to be too much again and I would have started to cry which would have been really weird to explain and I don't want to cause trouble for you. So, I just had to leave.

I realize now that i have stopped writing the most beautiful letter in the world and started writing a veritible wish list of the past few weeks. I apologize. I am not much of a wordsmith.

I just want to tell you that I dont' usually let people in my circle. And, you made it. As much as I fought it, and denied it, and ignored it, you crept in. And, now you are there. I hope that we don't lose touch, and I hope that we talk often, because I will be so very very sad if we don't.

you have inspired me to think, and feel beyond what I have recently found myself able to think and feel. You should wear wings, because you are a sort of angel to me right now. I know that is quite possibly the corniest thing anybody has ever said to you, but that is how I have been feeling.

And, I know the improbability and the futility of any future we could have had, so please dont' take it that my letter is implying that there was a chance, because if I am anything, it is realistic.

How many times can I tell you that I am thankful, or that I love you? Is there a limit? Am I nearing it? I am not sure I could ever reach that limit. And, I just want to tell you repeatedly that you have done so much for me that I could never repay you or make it up to you, or even express how I feel about it accurately. I just want you to know that my feelings are deep and I am loyal.

I am rambling, probably because I am drunk, but more likely, because we both know that is just how I am.

So, please stay in touch. Let me know as soon as possible where you are staying so that I can have your address and phone number. Also, please, be careful and make wise decisions. And, if you n eed anything, please let me know.

I will talk to you very soon, i hope.

Love always,
Racheal